4 months ago
The following is a work of fiction: All of the people, places, and events depicted are merely figments of the authors' warped imaginations. Since it's our imaginations, we imagine that all of the fictional characters are of legal age, and all of their fictional activities are legal in their fictional jurisdiction. In fact, we further imagine that Plato was correct, and we are all chained inside of a cave just watching shadows on the wall.
Frannie's Job Interview - by Jamie and Lisa - 1682 words - humor - sexual topics - no overt sex
"Hi Franny, it's really good to see you. Congratulations on your half-birthday."
"Thank you. 'S kind o' funny. Ever'body is congrat'lating me fer my eighteenth bir'day, six months af'er it 'appened. But I really didn' 'ave anythin' to do with that. Or with the fact our gov'ment says you're an adult at eig'teen an' a 'alf. They really should be thankin' them storks fer findin' momma and daddy's 'ouse wi'out nav'gation'l aids."
"Oh, you were always the kidder! How about congratulations on surviving to adulthood then?"
"You mean a livin' through my uncle an' daddy a teachin' me to fly?"
"Yes ... No, I mean you making jokes just like that one."
"It wadn' so hard to get 'ere. Mom and dad always made sure I learnt how to be 'spectful and git along wi other people. Ev'n ones we didn' like. They sent me to sc'ool to learn readin' writin' an' 'rithmetic. They taught me 'ow to catch my own food er grow it, 'ow to survive the rain, cold, 'ot, or nat'ral 'sasters. Pretty much ever'thing I needed to know-"
"Um, yes, 'pretty much.' Franny, that's actually one of the things that we need to talk about here."
"I need a talk 'bout my 'aving grown up wif the comp'ny 'torney?"
"In a manner of speaking, yes, and ... Well, I'm also your mother and father's personal attorney. Which can get just a little bit complicated because they are also principles of the airline."
"Yeah, I always thou't 'at it was funny 'at great-gran'ma and great-gran'pa named the b'iness after a state 'n a c'un'ry they wuz exiled from."
"Well, I suppose they missed it back in the United States."
"I don' kno' why they would. This place is perfect."
"Yes, yes, well no place is actually perfect. Here they made a major error many years back allowing those stateless bureaucrats to settle on the island. Even if they did organize stuff, what with their constant rulemaking and everything."
"Yeah, I don' like rules ver' much."
"Well, Frannie, nobody likes rules. Sometimes you have to have a few just to get along. Like what you were mentioning before about being polite to people you don't particularly like. But it seems to me that a lot of times rules are just excuses for going around without making good judgments: People are just saying to themselves, "well that's the rule, I guess it's got to be that way."
"Yeah, mom always says that 'common sense is an uncommon virtue.'"
"Good quote, I think it was Franklin."
"Good ol' Benji ... "
"So, Franny, what I'm doing here today is offering you a job in the company business, Air Arkansas, but there are a number of company rules that according to the consent decree the airline signed with them bureaucrats we couldn't tell you until you were a legal adult."
"Well, Frannie, I'll get to that in just a moment. But I'd like to do things in a kind of first-things-first way."
"Them bureaucrats a-ways-back decided that it would be best for everybody involved if grown-ups and those who weren't quite grown up yet didn't talk about sex with each other. So since nobody at your school and nobody at home ever discussed the subject with you, we are absolutely certain that you have no knowledge of the subject."
"What subject is that?"
"We learned about six in 'rithmetic. Its one more than five."
"Not six, sex."
"Exactly my point, Frannie. Fortunately, them bureaucrats had a nice bureaucratic solution to this problem. They establish an Agency of Adult Education in the Ministry of Education that created a Capital Colege which is running a for-credit college course on the subject through its Life Skills Outreach Program. One that I have taken the liberty of signing you up for. I've also ordered the relevant textbooks, which Shelia has, she will give them to you on your way out.
"I git to go t' coll'ge?"
"Yes, Franny, you do."
"An' study 'bout six?"
"Frannie, dear, that is pronounced 'sex'. You wouldn't want to embarrass yourself on your first day now."
"No, 'at wou'd definit'ly be a four paw."
"Yes, well, Frannie your parents pretty much taught you everything that you needed to know in order to take a job in the family business. They made sure that you got all of your official paperwork from the Ministry of Statistics and Education and that all the training that you received was documented and sent to the Ministries of Education, Child Rearing, Employment, Aviation, and Commerce. You should be receiving your Employment, Pilot, and Business Licenses in the mail anytime now. I personally sent all the documents by certified mail to the National Administration building last month after discussing this with your parents."
"Why'd you mail it if'n th' Nat'nal 'Min'strat'on Buildin' 's next door an' the Pos' Of'ce 's two blocks 'way?"
"Cuz that's a sort of thing them bureaucrats like. It's what you and me call unnecessary walking around. But we're just the offspring of ignorant Hillbillies, they call it a 'robic exercise and the Ministry of Health says it's good for the heart."
"Oh ... "
"Anyway, 'one of the cardinal rules of Air Arkansas is it all of its employees and management personnel form a close and cohesive bond with one another, and maintain lifetime interpersonal relationships, fostering understanding and growth. We also feel that the company culture promotes the creation of a pool of potential future employees."
"Such fancy words! What's 'at all mean 'n English?
"That everybody in the company frequently has sex with everybody else in the company and that the resultant offspring of employees are preferentially hired."
"Yes, like you. Your licenses are fully recognized in Europe and the US, they should allow you to go most anywhere you want. We hope you seriously consider staying here and working at Air Arkansas."
"An' doin' this sex stuff?"
"An' this sex stuff 's fun?"
"All of our employees say it is."
"All o' 'em."
"Every last one."
"Then I'm in."
"Well, you can't actually sign up now. First, we have to get you a certification from the bureaucrats that you understand what sex consists of."
"An' that's why I'm takin' the class?"
"Exactly, Franny, see you take the college class and learn what sex is. Then you go down to the Ministry of Relationships and fill out the Sexual Consent Forms. Be sure to get plenty of copies so that we can list all of your partners on the forms. Then see your aunt in personnel and she will distribute the forms and get everyone's signatures or their marks - if they can't sign their name - and then you bring them back here. Sheila will get everything notarized. Then, if you want to you can sign an employment agreement with Air Arkansas.
"Take a copy of that to the Ministry of Employment and get their certification. Go down to the Ministry of Revenue, bring all of the taxation forms over here so that I can review them and send them to our accountant. By then your licenses should have come in the mail so we'll make a copy of them and you take a copy of the Employment Form over to the Ministries of Aviation and Commerce."
"Wou'dn't thos' be th' places that mailed the license 'n the first place?"
"You are a quick study, Franny, that's exactly right."
"'Kay, I take th' forms back t' the offices 'at jus' mailed 'em."
"Right then you take those two copies from Commerce and Employment to the Ministry of Aviation and they will give you a form allowing you to work at Air Arkansas. Come back here and we should have your tax election forms filled out take all those forms back to the ministry of Statistical Recording and then you have a job."
"I take it t' the Min'stry of Statistics and-"
"No, Franny, the Ministry of Statistical Recording, we used to call them the Census. The Ministry of Statistics is what we used to call Vital Records."
"It's so confusing."
"Not really, although I did just attend a three-day-seminar given by the Ministry of Voluntary Compliance on the subject. Apparently the Ministry of Effientcy mandates 'names that reflect the primary function of an Agency or Ministry,' even when it necessitates frequent name changes."
"Well, I shore do 'preciate you helpin' me out wi' all o' this I jus' don't think I could 'ave done it on my own."
"Oh, you're a smart girl Franny, while I'm happy to help. I'm sure you would have figured it all out without me."
"You ev'r wonder if'n one o' th' reasons ever'body 'ere doesn't 'ave a job is 'cause those bureaucrats make it so darn 'ard to git one?"
"Naw, According to the Ministry of Research those folks are just lazy. Meanwhile, I wanted to give you this little pamphlet on the many employee benefits offered by Air Arkansas that them bureaucrats say we are allowed to talk about."
"Wow, 'ere's a bunch o' stuff in 'ere dental, lesbian, medical, fellatio, vision, cunnilingus, mental health, anal, education, fetish, dependent chile care."
"Yes, there is, Franny. Air Arkansas is a great place to work."
"'Free chilecare in an age-'propriate ed'cational setting.' Well, that'll be a wonderful thing."
"Yes, Franny, we offer free childcare for as many children as you have."
"That's truly a won'ful ben'fit."
"Yes, it is. Speaking of which, who's watching your three kids right now?"